Oh Grave Where Is Thy Sting

Me and my mom in March 2018,
the last photo of the two of us. 

The battle was short... only two months. And I thank God it wasn't longer. To watch my beloved mother be ravaged by cancer was awful. It was truly awful. It’s taken longer to finish this post than I expected. It’s been almost two weeks since my mother’s passing. But, to get the essence of what was on my heart, I’m going to post it unedited, grieving every day that separates me from when I could hold my mother’s hand.  

My mom died one week ago today. It’s made some passages in Scripture take on new, and much deeper, meaning. My thoughts are jumbled now; getting things on paper that make any sense is difficult. Even so, my heart yearns to share, even if it’s only part of my grieving.

Most of all, the thing that strikes me is, Jesus knew He was coming to die… He knew what death was and what He would face. Yet, He still chose to come face that, for me!! Watching my mom fade over the last two months, watching her in her final moments, it blows me away that Jesus chose to do that for me!! Wow.

Not only that, but God the Father and God the Son, who took on bodily form as Jesus, knew the pain such a separation would cause. Having shared community for all of eternity past, God chose to go through the unimaginable pain of separation so that we could experience eternity with Him. Wow!

My mom loved handprints, so we personalized her
casket with the handprints of her grandchildren.

The other thing that strikes me is what it must have been like for families of those raised from the dead. Lazarus comes to mind, because he was probably dead about as long as my mom has been. How would I feel if my mom walked into my house right now?! I would freak out!!! Do I believe God can raise my mom from the dead? In theory, maybe. And I do believe I will see her again. But to see her walking and talking and breathing again… that would be crazy!!! Yet, that is what happened with Lazarus?!

 Probably the biggest thing that I’ve been thinking about is what it was like for the disciples when Jesus died. They knew who Jesus was. They believed He was the Messiah. But they did not understand what that meant, or how it was going to impact their lives; that’s why Peter said what he said about Who Jesus was in Matthew 16 and John 6. Whether they recognized Jesus as the Messiah or not, when Jesus died on the cross, they were confused, disillusioned, and not a little afraid. So imagine what it must have been like when Jesus walked through a closed door to join them in the Upper Room?!

It’s easy to look at the Disciples and wonder what they were thinking as they walked with Jesus through the three plus years of His earthly ministry, because they were so surprised by His death. And because they were even more surprised by His resurrection. But how many of us would have been caught off guard as well? How often do we miss what Jesus is doing because He isn’t doing what we expect?!

Even with suffering, how often do we doubt God’s presence with us because bad things happen? I know I struggle with that. With all that has happened this summer, have I been abandoned by God? The answer is a resounding NO. But it can be easy to get confused. We think God will act a certain way, and when He doesn’t, we struggle with doubt. Right or wrong, it’s what we do.

My mom and daughter, shortly after
both their diagnoses.

Looking through Scripture, though, I’m struck by how often God did things in very unexpected ways?! Going back to the recounting of Lazarus’ death and resurrection, something struck me as I read that familiar story again. Jesus knew that Lazarus would die before He returned. He knew Mary and Martha would suffer greatly. His love for them didn’t prevent their suffering. And it wasn’t because they doubted that Jesus cared or that He could heal Lazarus; they believed all they had to do was let Jesus know His beloved friend was sick and He would come fix everything. Jesus even affirmed Martha’s faith before He called Lazarus out of the tomb. In spite of their faith, they suffered greatly. So greatly that Jesus was “deeply moved.” He even wept with them. And yet, He knew their suffering would be light and momentary, and designed to prepare them for eternity (2 Cor 4:17).

This has been a really difficult summer. Mom's pancreatic cancer and my daughter's brain tumor are just the two most difficult parts of the last several weeks. More than ten hospital visits and at least twice that many medical appts for various family members... all within the last two and a half months. It doesn’t feel light or momentary. And to be honest, eternity seems a very long way away. My heart aches with the deepening awareness that I will not hear my mother say my name again until Heaven. She’ll never sign another birthday card. Or wish me Merry Christmas.

Mom's grave is the one with the red roses. 

My mother hasn’t been miraculously resurrected. We buried her recently. My heart will always ache because she’s gone. But I have hope. I have hope like Mary and Martha had when they sent for Jesus, knowing that because of how much Jesus loved them and their brother, He would come and make everything okay. It looks different than I want it to. It looked a lot different to Mary and Martha as well. But in the end, Jesus did make everything okay. And more than anything, I know I can trust Him to carry me through every heartache, struggle, and fear. 

Someday, I will see Jesus face to face. And I’ll see my mom, and my sister, my grandparents, and the babies I never got to hold. What a glorious and amazing day that will be!!