Leadership Lessons from my Kids

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Parenting adult children can provide valuable lessons in leadership, and vice versa. As a parent, it can be incredible to see years of hard work pay off as once petulant children become capable of valuable contributions both at home and in the broader community. Yet, navigating changing relational dynamics can be confusing. Responsibilities change. Conversations change. Behavior can no longer be controlled in any meaningful way, nor should it be. The full agency of adult children demands recognition.

           While the emotional connection is different between staff and supervisors than between parents and children, the best work environments also value the full agency of employees. Recognizing agency can be controversial and often runs counter to both traditional and convenient management strategies. When, as is the case at Barry-Wehmiller, everyone is treated like family, however, the benefits are tangible.

           One of the lessons I have been learning, from Bob Chapman of Barry-Wehmiller (and others) is the value of authentic conversations. It makes me think of Paul’s admonition to the Believers in Ephesus, to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Having authentic conversations about disappointments, frustrations, or unmet expectations can actually create a sense of security. I struggle to have those authentic conversations, especially as my kids get older. Gradually, over time, rather than measuring success by how faithfully I obeyed God, I got sucked into trying to measure my success in parenting by how well my children approved of me. They didn’t always (I know…big surprise for anyone with adult children) and I was hurt. Instead of having the authentic, vulnerable conversations I needed to have, I was quiet and withdrew; honestly, I still do. Unfortunately, that provided the enemy with ammunition to use to undermine relationships by exploiting and twisting my well-intended but ill-fated silence.

Workplace dynamics can be as complex as families; the tendency for people to withdraw when they feel unsafe is similar. The great thing is, such dynamics can be changed. Healthier culture can be created! How effectively the lessons I’m learning will work within a family, I don’t know yet – I am just beginning to try them. But I am optimistic that they will work at home at least as well as they do in corporate environments.  

The first and most important lesson, for leadership at home or work, is to operate with confidence in your identity and security in your role. Dr. Paul Metzger describes it as “a secure attachment to the Father.” At home, that means that I need to worry less about whether my kids love me or approve of the job I’m doing. Rather, I need to operate with confidence that God loves me, and that He placed me in my role as a mom. Even if my children reject me, I am and always will be their mother. The intimacy may change, but the ties remain. Standing in those truths gives me the freedom to engage with my children in a gentle, loving, authentic way regardless of their (dis)approval or (lack of) appreciation.

The second lesson ties back to Paul’s admonition to speak the truth in love. It has to do with feedback. When people know that they will be spoken to rather than about, it fosters the security necessary to be more vulnerable. When people know they will not be defined by their mistakes or weaknesses, and that making mistakes really is, in fact, a key to success, they have the freedom to make mistakes, learn, grow, and excel. At home, it means modeling that it is okay to make mistakes. How I respond to my husband is as important as how I respond to my children in creating such a culture.

When I am operating with a level of insecurity, I take mistakes personally. My reactions undermine efforts to create a safe environment. When I am confident in my relationship with God, I can operate with more grace, knowing He does not define me by my failures, which frees me from defining anyone else by theirs.

The final lesson I am learning about leadership (whatever the context), also from Chapter 4 of Ephesians, is how beautiful it is when an environment like the one I’ve described gets started. People can work together “properly” (Eph 4:16) which leads to individual and community growth. The best way to explain it is to share a story.

We recently drove to Kansas to visit our college athlete. It was an epic adventure! At one point, though, we were having trouble with our overland trailer; it was literally falling apart. Because my husband and I are learning to stand confidently in our identities, we were able to create space for our 19 y.o. daughter and our 16 y.o. son to use their gifts and strengths instead of having to do everything ourselves. We all worked together to identify, assess, and solve the problem. It was a major undertaking and could have ruined the trip, but by God’s grace, and because of all God has been teaching me (and vicariously, my husband) about leadership, it is turning out to be a highlight.

As a point of application (I am in an applied theology program), I am engaging my adult children, to apologize to them for the ways I have wounded them, however unintentional the wounds may have been. How they will respond, I honestly do not know. What I know is, God defines me as His child, regardless of my failures or weaknesses. That security and confidence are giving me the freedom to be vulnerable, to recognize, and then work through past mistakes.