Communication Lessons from a Toxic Parent

One of the last pictures I got with my mom before she died in Aug 2018.

Someone sent me a post about things adult children may want to hear from their parent(s), because of broken relationships with some of my adult children. The post got me thinking… most (all?) of the people offering advice to adult children struggling with their parents are also adult children who struggle(d) with their parents. Few are actually parenting adult children. Something about being the parent of an adult child, especially an adult child who defines you by your greatest weaknesses and biggest failures, changes your perspective.

As I’ve wrestled with my thoughts on that post, it’s changing how I look at my own broken relationship with my mom. It’s helped me realize some faulty assumptions that greatly affected how my mom and I interacted.

First, I assumed that my mother hurt me on purpose. As ridiculous as it seems now, I thought her actions were intentional. They were not. I bet she’d be surprised by the seemingly inconsequential comments or actions that caused great pain. Which leads to the second assumption…

I thought my mom had her life together. 

Honestly, this is probably the worst one… that somehow issues from my mom’s past (hurts, betrayals, disappointments, failures, and losses) didn’t affect her or her parenting. They did! How could they not?! Did she make mistakes? Yes, the consequences of which affected my life as well as hers. But they do not define her. She was an amazing woman who battled serious obstacles in her pursuit to be a good mom.

If I could talk to my mom now, our conversations would be so different…

Maybe the issue with adult children and their parents is less about what words people say and more about true communication… 

I think one of my biggest challenges, as I wrestle both with the agony of being estranged from my children and the grief of my own broken relationship with my mom, is how difficult communication can be. It is so much more than statements, or even questions. Healthy communication is driven by complex interdependencies that include emotional intelligence, maturity, life experiences, and an ability not to place blame, but to take it. It also requires a different kind of communication, one that is (according to communications expert Tim Muehlhoff, in I Beg to Differ) is “person-centered” rather than “position-centered.”

Position-centered communication, based on Muehlhoff’s book, is mostly about labels. It’s the kind of communication that reduces a person to a one-dimensional generality. It obscures the beauty of a dynamic, vibrant, complex human being whose value is unaffected by past failure or innate brokenness. Person-centered communication is complicated and messy. It takes time. It requires grace, compassion, and humility. It also sets the stage for honest, authentic, productive conversation that can lead to true restoration.

Person-centered communication can lead to restoration, not only in how it humanizes both parties in the conflict, but also by fostering an environment safe for honest conversation. In my academic journey, one of the things I’ve learned is how difficult honest conversation is, especially in a hostile environment; it just doesn’t work. Honest conversation requires vulnerability, something that does not happen in a hostile environment.

The post that sparked all this thinking suggested that maybe parents weren’t (yet) capable of being vulnerable (or accountable). The reality is, parents have been vulnerable. When a mom holds her child in her arms for the first time, she puts everything on the table. She holds nothing back. Until it’s too late, until the pain of rejection has cut so deep that vulnerability is virtually impossible. True vulnerability requires a secure and trust-filled relationship, built by both parties. In providing “accountability” for failures and mistakes, adult children may be undermining the relationship necessary to find healing and hear what they long to hear from their mom or dad.

Also, if being held accountable to a parent is tough (especially for teens and young adults), imagine being held accountable by your child, who defines you as toxic, abusive, and by everything you’ve done wrong… that is the opposite of an environment that supports vulnerability. 

This leads to the other assumption I made about my mom… that she was the one creating a hostile communication environment. I never imagined that I could contribute. But I did, albeit unintentionally and unknowingly.

My mom struggled with insecurity. She grieved over her failings. She feared rejection and alienation, allowing failures and weaknesses to define her. I can see how those factors, combined with my inability to recognize my mom as a complex person, contributed to the tension that lasted until her death.

I think it is easy for counselors to miss this too. When children are critical or disapproving of their parents it undermines trust, which is foundational for healthy communication (Muehlhoff, I Beg to Differ, p. 37). It’s hard to trust someone when your vulnerabilities have been weaponized. It is hard to engage in authentic conversation with someone who defines you by your greatest weaknesses or biggest failures.

The biggest lesson of this journey is the need for humility. On my part. And the value of forgiveness, for both my mother and my children. I want to be ready if they decide to come home, which means I cannot define them by their greatest weaknesses or biggest failures regardless of how they define me.

I think that may be one of the biggest lessons for me from the Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The father was ultimately dishonored by both of his sons, though in different ways. And yet, that daddy refused to define those boys by their failures! He met them where they were at, with gentleness, love, and grace. May I do the same!