Fear and Failed Communication

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The last several months have been some of the most painful in my life, the roots of which go back to my childhood and destructive communication patterns I adopted out of fear and desperation. This is not about my parents or how I was parented. The issue is not the cause of my choices (which is difficult to determine anyway) but the consequences of those choices over time.

God, in His grace, is calling me to more fully embrace Him and His love for me. The challenge is, that requires acknowledging that I don’t really live out of the truth of who I am. It is a process, to be sure… an uncomfortable one, on so many levels.

Most people who know me will say that I really seek to love Jesus with my whole heart and to love my neighbors as myself. And I really do, as much as I am able. What I’m discovering, though, is that I love my fear (and whatever it is that my fear gives me) more than I love my savior. It is a sobering reality. God, in His grace, is peeling back another layer of the onion to reveal the root of some of my most intractable challenges.

While this realization has been building for some time, it wasn’t until a recent counseling appointment that God really drove the truth home. Even the way the reality was driven home has only reinforced my love and appreciation for God’s goodness and grace. It wasn’t like a 2x4, or a frying pan. It was a loving invitation to step away from brokenness that has caused painful and unintended consequences for those I love the most.

As I contemplate stepping away from the fear that I’ve hidden behind for so long, it is overwhelming. Much of my engagement with people has been increasingly guarded. So many of my patterns are ingrained. Changing will be hard. The key to change, though, is being able to see the problem. By God’s grace, I’m beginning to.

What I’ve learned, in my deep dive into communication theory, strategies, and best practices, is how vital it is to feel secure in my relationships and confident in my identity. The challenge is that I have looked for my security and confidence in the wrong places. Instead of standing in my identity in Christ, recognizing my confidence comes not from performance but from who I am - God’s image bearer (Gen 1:26, 27) and adopted daughter (Eph 2:19), I have chosen (to varying degrees in varying contexts) to find my identity in the approval of others. It is very destructive, especially when combined with the inherent complexities of communication.

This journey is far from over. In fact, it is really just beginning. What I have discovered, though, in my searching, is Jesus’ example in John 13, where He washes his disciples' feet. John 13:1 speaks as much to Jesus' security (knowing that His "hour had come to depart," John 13:1, ESV) as it does His confidence. It stands out to me because it highlights that Jesus' ability to love "to the end" was rooted in His secure connection with His Father. He didn't think, He didn't hope. He "knew." That knowledge set the stage for what came next, washing the feet of men who would betray him, Judas in particular (John 1:2). 

What really catches my attention, every time I read this passage, is what Jesus did in verse 3. "Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist" (John 13: 3, 4, ESV, italics added).

Let me say this very clearly and specifically, because I need the reminder every day; Jesus had the security and confidence to take up the basin and the towel and wash the feet of a man who was essentially His enemy because He knew who He was. His identity wasn't threatened by that act! The beauty for me with that is, once I can truly stand in confidence as God’s image bearer and adopted daughter, the rejection and betrayal of even those closest to me will no longer be a source of fear and the pain will be temporary!

As I was processing some of this information with the counselor, he challenged me by pointing out that I wasn’t expressing any hope of escaping the broken and confusing place I find myself in. That lack of hope is at least partly because I am looking at myself as the agent of change, but I am not! I don’t carry that burden, THANK GOD! What I really need to do is walk in faithful obedience, regardless of my emotions, my particular circumstances, or what the culture says. God takes care of all that!

The real difference in all of this is my experience, not whether God will accomplish His purposes. The degree to which I can rest in that reality will determine how I experience life, not whether God is good. Even though the process of learning a new way of engaging with risk, fear, vulnerabilities, and authenticity will be daunting, God’s goodness and promise to make me more like Jesus is the beginning of hope.