What am I doing, again? And why did I decide to do this?

It always takes longer to finish a paper, or a blog post, than I think it will. So, I face the dilemma or not posting, not trying to write, or posting later than I intended. That tends to be my preference. The wrestling is still valid even if the dates are a little off. This is from late last year. 

It's crunch time at my house right now. Another paper is due in days. My dining room table goes through various stages of chaos and clean depending on whether it's mealtime or not. The stacks of books are changing as I transition from the required readings (and the requisite reflections) to my main paper. Did I mention that I am homeschooling four kids between 5th and12th grade? And I am over 50 years old? Learning is harder at my age; I am so slow!!

The last time this happened (in May, when my first doctoral thesis paper was due) it was one of the most difficult processes I ever endured!! Since it was my first time, I thought maybe it was because I was new to the process. Now, however, I am beginning to suspect that this process is difficult every single time. The difficulty is not because of my inexperience. It is because the process of synthesizing information is complex, requiring significant time and focus. It requires even more time and focus for people who are old. Like me. Especially as the mother of eight children, half of whom are living at home, when interruptions are guaranteed. 

Right now, as with the days leading up to the submission of my second doctoral paper, I am seriously reconsidering my decision to pursue this degree?! What on earth am I doing??? 

The honest answer to that question is kind of convoluted, but that is the purpose of this post, so here we go. 

About five and a half years ago, I was invited to travel with a sports team to Uganda. It was the dream of a lifetime which you can read more about here. If you want to read my entire story, you can start here.

I'm an all-in kind of person. When I commit to something, I go all the way. And because I am not a detail-oriented person a big picture person, I rarely consider all the possible consequences. Most of my life, that has protected me from falling flat on my face too many times; knowing I wasn't thinking through every possible bad outcome, I just didn't get started. 

If you've read my deconstruction story or my reconstruction story, you know that this whole educational adventure has turned a well-developed, life-long habit on its head. Rather than trying to figure out all the roadblocks and obstacles before starting, I had to jump in. So I did. 

Going back to graduate-level studies after 25 years was definitely a challenge. Writing is something I enjoy, but at my pace, and mostly for fun. The Master's program was a Master of Arts - it is all about writing papers! And now, at the doctoral level, I'm in an applied theology class. It's not just about writing papers. It is about figuring out something practical to do with the information crammed inside my head! Did I mention that I am learning an entirely new format for my papers? 

As you can imagine, the process can be difficult at times. It is not quite like giving birth (which I have done nine times, with eight healthy babies) but it is close, just in a different way. Some of the time my brain literally hurts! And yet, it is one of the most incredible privileges to walk through. The thinking, the wrestling, the synthesizing information, it is all hard work. Not back-breaking, but still hard. And as a "non-traditional" student (who is the age of some of the professors) it is laborious. In the end, though, it is what I have been called to do. So, I just keep plugging along, piling resources across the dining room table, clearing said table for meals, then piling again. Let me take just a moment to celebrate my long-suffering, incredibly gracious husband, who rolls with the craziness and helps bring some order out of the chaos. He is absolutely amazing!!

This process is changing me as a person, me as a mom, even how I relate to my husband. It is helping me overcome bad habits that make learning more difficult. It is forcing me to train my brain to ask better questions and to embrace my humanity by asking for help (sometimes from people half my age). In the end, though, it has absolutely been worth every moment. 

When I started this post, more than six months ago (like I said, I move slower at this stage of life), I was overwhelmed with so. much. thinking. My brain really did hurt! And my table never really did recover from the experience. I don't have the greatest resume or CV. I joke that my biggest claim to fame is that I have successfully kept eight children alive for more than eleven years. It can feel like I have nothing to offer. 

The beautiful aspect of keeping eight children alive for more than eleven years, though, is that I have learned so much. And while high powered executives may disagree, the lessons a mom learns, whether she has one child or ten, are transferable to a variety of contexts.

Why did I decide to do this? Mostly because I wanted to know how to have effective conversations with other believers around the topic of justice. As I continue the journey, I believe part of the reason God catapulted me into this adventure is because moms' voices are missing or are underrepresented in far too many conversations. We need to change that, and if nothing else, I can just show up. And I'm trying. Will you join me?